Signs Your Loved One May Have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), or Both

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterised as a pervasive pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, and marked impulsivity that begins in early adulthood and presents in a variety of contexts.

Some people describe BPD to be like an exposed nerve ending, as small things can trigger intense reactions. If you’re in a relationship with someone with BPD, it may feel like a rollercoaster of extreme highs and extreme lows with rarely anything in between.

What signs should you look out for?

While borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have a specific set of diagnostic criteria, you may have noticed the following behaviours in your partner that have brought you here. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Is the relationship always focused on your loved one’s needs and wants, never on yours? Have you begun to lose track of your own needs and wants?
• Does your loved one make unreasonable demands, and keep insisting on them, to the point where you feel that saying “no” is not worth the pain?
• Have you tried to explain your point of view a million times and never gotten through? Are they so unwilling to understand you that you wonder if they’re even capable of it?
• Does your loved one never show a trace of empathy for what you go through?
• Do they act normal in front of other people, but insult you, call you names, and otherwise treat you badly when the two of you are alone?
• When you fight, is winning and being right more important to them than your feelings, or than the issue being discussed?
• Do they talk in confusing circles, twist what you say, and use your words against you?
• Do they blame you and criticise you obsessively?
• Does what they say often make no logical sense?
• Is it clear they’ve lost all perspective on who you actually are?
• Are you the focus of their intense, violent, or irrational rages that grow way out of proportion to what instigated them?
• Do you feel manipulated and lied to, as if they’ll say anything to get what they want?
• Do they need to always be in control?
• Do they have meltdowns when things don’t go as planned, or they don’t get their way?
• Do you feel like you’re dealing with someone whose emotional maturity is like a toddler’s – even if they are very well educated or have a high position at work?
• Do you feel exhausted, confused, spread too thin, overwhelmed, depressed, hopeless, frustrated or completely misunderstood?

If you answered yes to many of these questions, keep reading.

Common BPD thoughts, feelings and actions

Thoughts

• Impaired perception and reasoning
• Splitting i.e. seeing things solely in black-or-white terms with no grey areas
• Shifting back and forth between black and white and when in one mode, having no memory of being in the other
• Putting particular people on pedestals and then knocking them off
• When under stress, dissociating, running on autopilot or being “out of it”
• Lack of a clear sense of identity

Feelings

• Highly sensitive to potential signs of abandonment or rejection
• Equally afraid of engulfment
• Dark moods that are poorly regulated, very intense and slow to recover from
• Highly and quickly changeable emotions
• Desiring closeness, yet feeling smothered in its presence
• Feeling a dark hole of emptiness inside
• Intense, seemingly unmanageable emotional pain
• Sudden, uncontrollable rage
• Actions

Impulsiveness, which can sometimes be extreme

• Failure to think through the potential consequences of an action
• Suicide or self-harm (for those with conventional BPD)
• Compulsive behaviour involving sex, substance abuse, eating, spending, etc.
• Reckless driving
• Unleashing torrents of criticism and blame on others
• Uncontrollable raging
• Impulsive aggression, sometimes involving physical fights, especially among men with BPD
• An inability to express any anger at all (among some people with conventional BPD)

BPD, NPD or both?

People with BPD, NPD and some other personality disorders share certain behaviours and belong to a group known as high conflict personalities, or HCPs.

The common attributes of people with a high conflict personality include:

• Internal fragility
• Projection, criticism and blame
• All-or-nothing thinking
• Unmanaged emotions
• Extreme behaviours
• The quiz below is not a diagnostic tool, but may help you understand and clarify the behaviour you’re witnessing.

Traits of borderline personality disorder

Which of the following statements describe your loved one?

1. Their emotions can change in the blink of an eye. But once those emotions have changed to something highly charged, it’s hard for them to come back down again.
2. They can fly into sudden, soul-shattering rages, often over something seemingly trivial, and sometimes for no reason at all (as far as you can tell). These rages leave me feeling devastated.
3. Whenever I get really close to them and we’re having a great time, soon after, they sabotage it all. I get really excited because we’re so close and then they ruin it all.
4. They get very upset with me when they feel I am abandoning them, simply if I come home late or can’t be available for a phone call when they want me to be.
5. They constantly text or call to check on my whereabouts.
6. They need me to tell them, over and over again, that I love them, but they don’t seem to believe me when I do.
7. To them, I’m either the best or the worst – never in between. And when they feel one way, they can’t ever remember feeling the other way.
8. They talk about how horrible they feel, especially about themselves. I can see they are in a lot of pain.
9. Sometimes they cut themselves or hurt themselves in some other physical way.
10. They’ve told me that sometimes they feel like they want to die.
11. They can’t see the difference between what’s in their own best interest and what’s in the kids best interest. When they were feeling lonely, they kept the kids home from school. When they’re mad at me, they say things like “you don’t love me or the children”.
12. They can’t really function on their own, even though they are an adult. They quit jobs when they’re given a task they don’t like and they get involved with dangerous or abusive partners.
13. They don’t let children be as independent as they should be because they rely on them for social support.
14. I’m worried for my grandchildren. My child isn’t really capable of keeping them safe. I want to call social services, but if I do, they will never speak to me again and I could lose my grandchildren.
15. They’re incredibly impulsive. They act without thinking things through and often get into trouble.
16. They just took off and left one day. Everything was fine, and then they were gone. Now they’re telling everyone I abused them and it’s all over social media. WTF? What happened?
17. I never know what mood they’re going to be in when I come home. It can be anything at all, from happy, to furious, to depressed. It really stresses me out.

Count the number of boxes you’ve checked in this section.

For more information, see borderline personality disorder.

Traits of narcissistic personality disorder

Which of the following statements describe your loved one?

1. They are most concerned with how things might look to others than with how they actually are.
2. They never ask me about how my day went. It’s always about them and what’s going on with them. I am supposed to listen and pay attention to their problems, but expected to deal with my own problems by myself.
3. They feel entitled, like they should get the best of everything, and that they should always come first.
4. They seem to think that rules are for other people to follow, but for them to ignore.
5. They don’t have a very deep emotional life. I have tried digging deeper, but there doesn’t seem to be much there. They have so many defences.
6. Sometimes they yell horrible things that make me feel small. In response, I sometimes cry, but it doesn’t make much difference to them.
7. The kids love it when my loved one is in a good mood, but the minute the kids start acting like kids, my loved one is impatient for me to take them off their hands. If the kids won’t leave them alone, they’ll shout at them. I have heard my loved one say terrible things to the kids.
8. They take advantage of me and others. They ask me to do all kinds of things for them, and they do very little or nothing in return; and they don’t seem to understand why that’s not ok.
9. They’re incredibly passive-aggressive.
10. They say they’ll clean the living room, or find their own place to rent, but then they don’t. Then they will talk about how they couldn’t because they are a victim of some sort or another. They are never accountable for anything.
11. When I have a crisis, not only are they unsupportive, but they’re so self-absorbed and unempathetic that all they talk about is how it affects them.
12. I can’t tell them any good news about my life, such as a promotion, as they just get jealous and put down my accomplishments.
13. They envy others and think others envy them.

Now count the number of boxes you’ve checked in this section.

The results

Add up the total number of statements you checked. If the total number is 12 or higher, you have a right to be concerned. If your total number is 16 or more, you should be very concerned. While this tool cannot be used to make a diagnosis (a diagnosis can only be made by a qualified professional), they are behaviours that are not aligned with a respectful relationship.

What now?

It’s important not to reveal your diagnostic suspicions to your loved one, so if you think they may be suffering from BPD, use caution and seek help.

You may want to consider making a safety plan, consulting a qualified professional or even seeking legal advice if needed.

However, call 000 immediately if they threaten violence or physical action, damage your property or make you feel unsafe in any way.